Home!

I guess my big October plans will need some fine-tuning on the wake of my latest hospital stay.  In good news, I have a new (local) pulmo who I like very much.  He sprung me from the ICU and took on the infectious disease doc for me, and I really enjoyed his sarcasm and wit.  Nevermind the fact that he took the time to get my previous tests and ct scans from Ohio State and compare them so he’d know what to do for my current situation, rather than just throwing steroids at me and hoping for the best.  According to him (and what I’ve read agrees), this is what this disease does.  You go along just fine for a while, maintaining, and then BOOM!  One day you’re not fine any more.  A flu, or cold, or something sets you off and it’s out of control.  I was really bad when I got to the hospital, and feel lucky that it was only a 6 day stay.  The new guy recommended that I go ahead and be evaluated for a lung transplant, because at some point in the future I’m going to be “not fine” again and at that point it will be too late for an evaluation.  Not to be listed, mind you, just to have all the legwork in place just in case.  I guess options are good, but I didn’t want to think about that.

The kids are coming home today, and I’m excited about that!  I’ve missed them terribly, especially since coming home two days ago.  The house is empty and quiet with no little boys running around.  Funny, because I think a couple of weeks ago I was wishing for just a few minutes (hours) of peace and quiet, and it was impossible to come by.  Now I’ve had my share of peacefulness for a while, and I will embrace and enjoy the chaos of little boys for the time being.  My mom tells me my youngest kept saying, “Mommy’s sleeping” – he’s never been away from home this long so I’m glad he handled it okay.

That’s about enough update for now.  So many things wrong with that stupid hospital and oh how I wish I had the energy to be someone who worked on changing those things.  But right now I only have the energy to worry about me and my immediate surroundings, so it’ll have to slide.  It’s good to be home.

Fall is here

I am challenging myself to enjoy the beauty of the season, which is really difficult for some reason.  I think it’s because for me, the changing of the weather and the changing of the leaves means that winter is on its way.  And we all know how much I love winter, right?  Do I need to remind anyone?  Well, just in case, and because I know it will be a recurring theme over the coming months, let me just go ahead and say it – I hate winter.  This fall, however, I’m working on living in the moment which means enjoying  the colors and sensations of autumn for their own virtue and not looking ahead to the impending coldness that is sure to follow.

For that reason, I have scheduled a lot of fall activities for myself and the kids, and hope that getting out and about and appreciating the awesomeness of the season will help with the living-for-today.  This week, we’re vising the Renaissance Festival close to Dayton (www.renfestival.com) which I’m sure the boys will love!  Castles and jousting and a pirate ship invasion and such, oh my!  Hopefully the weather will be nice and the mommy will be feeling good.

Then, we have the Bob Evans Farm Festival at the original Bob Evans farm in Rio Grande, only an hour or so from us and a great time last year.  The youngest 2 especially enjoy this sort of thing, and we might go just the three of us.  Lots of apple cider and down home cooking and horse rides and hay rides and things of that nature.

We’re going here:

http://www.sweetapplefarm.com/

later in the month.  Check that link out and go to the corn mazes, they are unbelievable!  I don’t think we’ll be able to make it all the way through the maze, as it says they are up to 5 miles long, but I think we’ll be able to enjoy a lot of it anyway.  My 5yo loves mazes and he is sooooooo excited about this outing!  It’s hard to find a corn maze that’s not a Haunted Halloweeen maze, which he’s not interested in because of the scary factor but this?  This is perfect and when he looked at the pictures of previous mazes he got SO EXCITED!

We also went for our first geocaching in the new area just the other day, and logged two in the rain!

That’s our first one.  Taken here, at Seip Mound:

Hopefully these activities will remind me that fall is perfectly enjoyable, and today is a beautiful day.  I’ll try to get some pictures from our walk here in a few minutes of the bike trail where we walk with our doggie every day.  It really is quite beautiful.

Again with the woe is me?

I’m sick of myself.  I don’t know what my problem is.  I give myself the pep talk and suck it up and go on about life and I’m okay for a day or two and then the smallest little thing can happen and I break down in tears and can’t stop and can’t function and it feels like I just can’t do this.  It sucks.

Today, I worked up the nerve, finally (took a couple of weeks lol) to call a local doctor and see about an appointment.  I’d like to have my general practitioner close if possible, so that if I get sick or need a med adjustment I have someone closeby that I can go to for advice.  I called someone from the yellow pages, who advertised that they treated a whole gamut of things and explained my situation to them, and had the guy tell me that I didn’t sound depressed, and really, how much pain could you be in from a LUNG DISEASE?  Millions of people walk around with asthma and COPD every day and they’re doing just fine?

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I lost it and started bawling and couldn’t even get my name out to the jerk so I hung up and had a good cry.  Then I got really angry, because what if I had been a little more mentally unstable?  Someone working in a doctor’s office really should know better than to make such diagnoses over the phone.  It wasn’t the doctor, although to be honest I’m unclear whether the dude was a receptionist or a nurse or what.  I felt really stupid for seeking out a doctor, clearly not what I was aiming for.

My 5yo was getting really upset because of my crying, so in the end I called my old doctor in WV and asked for a med change because apparently the lexapro isn’t working today.  Or maybe life just sucks that much right now.

I can’t talk to hubby.  I mean, I can, and I do, but it pisses me off and I wind up crying and he gets pissy if it’s not every fucking morning.  Oh how I wish I had the ability to be financially independent right now because I’d love nothing more than to not answer to him ever again.  I can’t stand it, I really can’t.  Every morning it’s the same bullshit, every morning he’s busy trying to make himself feel better by blaming everyone else for his ineptitude.  It sucks, and I can’t tell him to go suck a donkey cock because he’s due to send child support this week and he won’t if I tell him what I really think.  And besides, I really don’t want my kids to hear me saying such things about their dad.  They’ll realize it on their own in their own time, they don’t need me to point out what a dick he is.

At any rate, today it’s all my mom’s fault because she’s not here to help me.  I did gently point out that she is helping me more than he is, and she is not the one who vowed to be there forever and always, in sickness and in health.  She is not the one who turned my world upside down and left me here to deal with a pile of shit she created.  She’s not the one telling me what a paradise she’s living in while I’m here dealing with her responsibilities and committments.  Nope, that’s all you dude.  It’s much, much better for me when I don’t have to deal with it on a daily basis, and really I’m going to have to figure out how to “gently” make that happen.  What was the point in him leaving if he’s going to be all up in my shit every day?
YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO ASSHOLE.

There.  I’m done now.  I feel better.  Now hurry up doc and call me in some better drugs.

Two wheels, Mom!

My 5yo learned how to ride without training wheels today.  There’s no stopping him now!  I knew he could do it but he didn’t have the confidence until today.  I don’t know what changed his mind, but he came home from “the triangle” where he usually rides on his training wheels and told me he could now ride without them.  And promptly proceeded to take right off on 2 wheels once he was free of the training wheels, go baby go!

He’s growing up so fast.  In the past month, since hubby has left, he’s learned to read, ride a 2-wheeler, AND he can make his own pb&j sandwich now.  Today he even made one for his little brother.  What more could a proud mama ask for?

You hear that hubby?  You’re missing out.  You’ll never get this back.  There’ll never be another first pb&j sandwich, another “Aha!” moment when the phonics just click and he starts reading all of a sudden, never another, “MOM LOOK I’M DOING IT!” as he proudly takes off on two wheels.  He’s going to be just fine, and so am I and so is the little guy, but you?  You screwed up.

Yesterday was fucking hard.  I was sick and the kids weren’t cooperating and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and come out in spring.  But I cried a little and put on my big girl panties and dealt with it because there are little people counting on me and that’s all I can do.  Days like that I don’t think I”ll make it.  I promised myself that today would be better, and hot damn it was.  Today was freaking awesome, my kids are spec-fucking-tacular, and I’m feeling much better.

You, hubby, were here for neither.  You were too busy sitting on your paradise of a Greek island living your fantasy, your notion for today of what perfection is.  You’re grasping at straws trying to hang on to or perhaps regain the youth that is slowly leaving your body, as is inevitable in the course of things.  In the meantime, you’ve forgotten what’s really important and who’s going to be there when the last hint of youth is gone from those old bones.  In case you’re wondering, it won’t be me.

Anna’s Homecoming

We decided to name her Anna, although in retrospect I think maybe “Yellow Dog” (as in the dog from Funny Farm w/Chevy Chase) might be more fitting.  I could seriously not have picked a more docile, calm, unexcited dog.  She hopped right up in the van from the pound and got right up in the seat like she’s been riding in cars all her life.  Brought her home and put her on her leash and walked her around the yard, and she’s leashed trained and doesn’t tug or pull or get ahead at all.  She just walks right beside me and stops when I stop.  When we came in the house, she made herself at home right behind my usual chair, and that’s where she has laid except when I go to another part of the house.  Then she follows me.

She seems to be potty trained already – she asks to go out to pee at least.  And she’s bath-trained.  She hopped right up in the tub and let me bathe her.  GOod thing, because I never would have gotten her in there on my own and we would have smelled of stinky pound dog forever.

Anyway, she’s very sweet and I think a wonderful choice.  Things are looking good so far.

I am brave… or stupid – you decide!

I’m getting a dog.  A rescue, from the pound, where it was on death row for tomorrow.  She’s been there for 2 weeks and no takers.  She’s a beautiful yellow lab mix and as big as Homer.  I hope potty-training will be as easy as it was with Homer, ha ha ha.  I’m not really what you might call a “dog” person, more of a cat-lover (I’ve always had cats until now!) so this will be quite the switch for me.  But, the kids have wanted a dog for eons and honestly I’m a little afraid sometimes being here by myself with the kids and I hope she’ll help with that.

She doesn’t have a name just yet.  She’s at the vet today getting spayed and shots and flea medicine, and I’ll pick her up tomorrow morning and bring her home.  The landlord here is letting us have her only on a trial basis, and I had to promise that if she started destroying the house I’d either put her outside or rehome her.  Either way, she won’t be going back to the shelther to be euth’d so I see it as a positive regardless.

I took Homer with me to the pound and asked them to show me big, adult dogs that were on death row and needed a good home that might be nice with a little kid like Homer.  I almost got a chocolate looking lab one, but she was a jumper and knocked Homer over with her excitement.  This one, the one I’m bringing home, didn’t even bat an eye when Homer got up in her face and started talking his little Homer baby talk to her, nor did she even make a move when I sent him off and running in her sight (wanted to see if she was gonna pounce him).  So, she wins, and tomorrow begins the adventures in dog ownership, because I just couldn’t continue with things being BORING around here!

The yard is fenced, but I suspect the dog will be able to jump it if she really wants to do so.  The weather is so nice right now that we spend a lot of time outside, so hopefully that will add to the ease of adjustment and the potty training.  I have no idea if she’s ever been inside, and I’m no good with potty training a doggie so it could be interesting.

I’m looking forward to another adventure anyway.

Up, down, turn around

Seems to be the theme of my life.  But, assuming I can ignore the yuckiness that stems from my husband, things are actually quite enjoyable here at the moment.  I have insomnia again, hate that, but it’s given me a few rare moments to myself so it’s really not as bad as it might otherwise be.  For the moment I’m most concerned about my 5yo, who fell off his bike and really hurt his leg somehow.  He couldn’t walk at all the following morning, wouldn’t put any weight on his leg, period, and so I took him to the ER to have it checked out.  No breaks, but they said that it might have been a ligament or something and that if it didn’t improve in a day or two to call an orthopedic specialist and have him evaluate it.

Yesterday evening was 2 days, and I knew we were coming up on the weekend and he was still limping around like mad, so I took him to his ped to see what he thought about it.  His ped suggested letting him do however much he can tolerate and we’ll check back next week and see if it’s healing.  Hopefully it will be, because if it isn’t then the alternative is surgery and I just can’t think about that right now.  No sense getting myself worked up over a possibility that may or may not occur.  Chances are he’ll heal just fine and I’m just mama-worrying for nothing.

I’ve got a lovely story about the neighbor kid that I’ll have to share sometime on a down day.  He spent the night one night last week, and well, let’s just say I appreciate my kids a lot more after that experience.

For now I think I’ll head back to bed… after all, it’s still dark outside despite technically being “morning,” and the kids are still sleeping so why not?  I’m breathing a little better after being upright for a while, and could use an extra 45 minutes or so of sleep.

Things are thankfully boring and tedious here for the moment.  Yay!

This is a problem because… ?

There seems to be a sort of hooplah among parenting circles (online, haven’t heard a thing IRL) about President Obama speaking to the school children of American next week.  I can’t for the life of me figure out why this might be a problem!  I wish that I had nothing better to do with my time than worry about my kids being indoctrinated by President Obama.  The arguments I’ve seen are simply preposterous and not really worthy of repeating, but I find them amusing and I need something to laugh about.

First, it’s been said that no other President has spoken to school kids without an accompanying historic event.  The examples then given were something like Reagan, when he talked about the Colombia crash (yes, I know it was Challenger that Reagan spoke about, but someone else apparently did not…), and George H.W. Bush about saying no to drugs.  Because saying no to drugs was such a historic EVENT Y’ALL!  It does not help the cause when apparent idiots are at the helm of the ship.  At least put forth a good effort for the fight.

Then I read something about this Obama character reminding folks of Hitler, indoctrinating our youth for his SOCIALIST ARMY!  He intends to get them while they’re young and he is so damn good that it will only take him a mere 15 to 20 minutes to undo what parents have spent years drilling into their kids.  Seriously, folks, your kids have heard way worse in school than a message from the POTUS to work hard and stay in school.  If it only takes 15 minutes for all your hard work to be undone, you are clearly doing something wrong.  If it means that much to you, take this opportunity to talk with your kid and tell them why you disagree with President Obama’s policies.

Not to mention that I only wish President Obama were truly a socialist.

I just can’t believe that this is even an issue.  If you are that afraid of your kid being exposed to something, you are certainly entitled to homeschool.  Otherwise, you have to expect that sooner or later they’re going to be looking at something that you do not agree with.  Hell, I find errors in my kids’ social science books all the time and I disagree with how their schools teach a lot of social sciences but I do not expect the teachers to go through me for approval every time they make a lesson plan.  Presumably that’s why we hire teachers rather than homeschool – I don’t want to make that curriculum!  I did that, and that shit is hard.

At any rate, the stupidity out there on this issue really blows my mind, and I really wish that someone who had a good or even logical-but-not-something-I’d-agree-with reason for not wanting their kid to hear the President’s address would chime in and let me know.  I’m perplexed.

Just another whine

I hope to change tone here in the very near future, because I’m getting tired of listening to myself.  However, since I have no one to complain to in real life and I do have to complain somewhere, to someone…

Hubby beeped me on messenger earlier, and I wasn’t sitting at my computer (because I’m rarely sitting at my computer these days), so missed his beep.  He calls me on my cell phone, from his beautiful island, to ask me what the hell I’m doing and why I’m not answering his beep.  It was seriously too much.  There were threats of “I’m not sending you money if you’re not even going to let me talk to my boys!” – keep in mind we chatted via messenger yesterday so it’s not like he was deprived or anything.  He’s still not working.  I’m still pissed.  There was no reason in hell that I had to go through all this alone, other than he wanted a vacation on a nice Greek beach.  Hell, who can blame him, I’d like a nice vacation on a Greek beach too.  However, sometimes grown ups have to act like fucking grown ups and take care of the non-grown-ups that depend on them first.

I don’t think I will ever move back in with him, even if circumstance and money allow.  I don’t think I like him at all really.  I’m tolerating his bullshit right now only because I can’t make it financially alone and I think these boys still need him.  Then again, 2yogot so upset today at missing his daddy when he saw him that he curled up on my lap and cried and refused to talk for hours.  My 5yo is mad, although so far he’s keeping it directed where it belongs and not toward siblings or me.  Still he doesn’t see that it’s HIS fault they’re hurting, and he doesn’t see or admit that it’s his doing that I’m struggling and praying for the end of every day because I’m so exhausted I cannot go anymore.  He only says for me to hurry up and get better so I can come to the lovely beautiful perfect island too.  Never mind these older kids, they don’t need a mom.

Anyway, one of the few things giving me pleasure is the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone, and it just isn’t going to work if he thinks he’s going to control me from there.  I’m quite finished with that game.

In happier news, I fixed my toilet all by myself, which was leaking all over the place.  In doing so I saved myself $40 in repair costs AND enjoyed the satisfaction of knowing that I am capable of doing things myself.  This shit is hard, every day is a struggle, and every day is exhausting.  But we’re making it.

How…

How in tarnation do single parents all across the land handle the day-to-day?  I can’t seem to function, and it’s affecting my health rather negatively.  I’m sick as hell today, but I felt it coming and tried to fight it.  I just couldn’t.  There’s no one else.  Every meal, every bath, every clean dish and clean pair of pants is on me.  Every crumb picked up from the floor, every puddle wiped up in the bathroom, every moment of sleep lost to wet beds or sick kids is on me.  I hardly have time for anything that isn’t directly kid-related, don’t even think about any down time or fun time.  The best I can do is sit on the porch and read or knit while they play across the street but even then I can’t relax because they aren’t dependable enough to not run into the street so I can’t even run inside for the 20 seconds it takes to grab a soda or pee.

I get up in the morning and have about 15 minutes to myself before one of them comes to join me.  It’s breakfast and school and dishes and laundry and picking up toys and the 5yo takes until around noon to finish his computer school which I have to teach and he can’t do much indepently with just yet.  At noon (or thereabouts) we’re finished and we have lunch and I do dishes again and take the 2yo for his nap, which means lying down with him for 15 minutes or so while he falls asleep.  Then I get up and do the things around the house that need done like vacuuming, taking out trash, mopping, dusting, whatever, or unpack a few more boxes (still not quite finished with that).  By the time he wakes up it’s time for the others to be here to work on homework, and so we have a snack (for the olders) and do homework which takes a couple of hours usually and if there’s anything that needs done like a store run for milk or whatever that’s usually when it happens.  By that time it’s time to cook dinner, eat, and do dishes again so I can start throwing them in the bathtub and get them and the house all ready for another day.  At that point it’s 10 p.m. and I’m exhausted and we all fall into bed together.

Every. Day.

Something’s gotta give because today my breathing was so bad I seriously thought I’d pass out and I had to skip the 5yo’s school and lay down with oxygen.  It’s not that big of a deal, his school is flexible that way, but it’s not something I can get by with every day (or even regularly.)  I don’t know what to adjust, but I don’t think I’m physically capable of continuing this pace.  I am completely exhausted.

Meanwhile I talked to hubby on his Greek island today, and he’s thinking about starting work next week.