I’m sick of myself. I don’t know what my problem is. I give myself the pep talk and suck it up and go on about life and I’m okay for a day or two and then the smallest little thing can happen and I break down in tears and can’t stop and can’t function and it feels like I just can’t do this. It sucks.
Today, I worked up the nerve, finally (took a couple of weeks lol) to call a local doctor and see about an appointment. I’d like to have my general practitioner close if possible, so that if I get sick or need a med adjustment I have someone closeby that I can go to for advice. I called someone from the yellow pages, who advertised that they treated a whole gamut of things and explained my situation to them, and had the guy tell me that I didn’t sound depressed, and really, how much pain could you be in from a LUNG DISEASE? Millions of people walk around with asthma and COPD every day and they’re doing just fine?
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I lost it and started bawling and couldn’t even get my name out to the jerk so I hung up and had a good cry. Then I got really angry, because what if I had been a little more mentally unstable? Someone working in a doctor’s office really should know better than to make such diagnoses over the phone. It wasn’t the doctor, although to be honest I’m unclear whether the dude was a receptionist or a nurse or what. I felt really stupid for seeking out a doctor, clearly not what I was aiming for.
My 5yo was getting really upset because of my crying, so in the end I called my old doctor in WV and asked for a med change because apparently the lexapro isn’t working today. Or maybe life just sucks that much right now.
I can’t talk to hubby. I mean, I can, and I do, but it pisses me off and I wind up crying and he gets pissy if it’s not every fucking morning. Oh how I wish I had the ability to be financially independent right now because I’d love nothing more than to not answer to him ever again. I can’t stand it, I really can’t. Every morning it’s the same bullshit, every morning he’s busy trying to make himself feel better by blaming everyone else for his ineptitude. It sucks, and I can’t tell him to go suck a donkey cock because he’s due to send child support this week and he won’t if I tell him what I really think. And besides, I really don’t want my kids to hear me saying such things about their dad. They’ll realize it on their own in their own time, they don’t need me to point out what a dick he is.
At any rate, today it’s all my mom’s fault because she’s not here to help me. I did gently point out that she is helping me more than he is, and she is not the one who vowed to be there forever and always, in sickness and in health. She is not the one who turned my world upside down and left me here to deal with a pile of shit she created. She’s not the one telling me what a paradise she’s living in while I’m here dealing with her responsibilities and committments. Nope, that’s all you dude. It’s much, much better for me when I don’t have to deal with it on a daily basis, and really I’m going to have to figure out how to “gently” make that happen. What was the point in him leaving if he’s going to be all up in my shit every day?
YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO ASSHOLE.
There. I’m done now. I feel better. Now hurry up doc and call me in some better drugs.
Dislike, dislike!! The interaction that you had with the turd who answered the phone at the doc’s office is hardly what could be considered “a little thing”. Dude was out of line. Done. D. O. N. E. Done. And he was a jackass. That’s an inexcusable way to treat a patient (or potential patient) and it’s worth reporting if you want to and it won’t screw w/ you down the road.
The crap is accumulating (apparently daily from your “hubby” alone!) and makes it harder to deal with the little stuff. Let’s not pretend that the daily BS from “hubby” isn’t incredibly stressful – especially because you think you must endure it to survive financially. Let’s also not pretend that he’s not feeding you the biggest saddest line of crap-tastic that has ever done been fed to another human being. Blame. Blame. Blame. Boo hoo. Too bad he can’t pull up his big boy panties and take a little dose of shut-the-fuck-up. Can you tell him that you don’t have time to listen to him cry about the consequences of his own fucking decisions? That you are too busy taking care of the boys and dealing with the same yourself. Alone. Surely you can tell him how inconsiderate it is for him to be talking about how beautiful it is where he’s at. And seriously what fuckwit expects you to be available at his beck and call. You have things to take care of – more now that you have to do everything yourself.
Hang in there. Cut yourself some slack. Be good to yourself. You are brave, strong, a pioneer woman, a superhero, a great friend, and a person who has taught me more than she may ever know! You know I couldn’t stop at just one word. It’s like eating potato chips – or having house mammals.